silence

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i just need silence right now...Lord, please help me think clearly...

This goodbye.

This goodbye will be one of the hardest I will ever have to tell.
Where is the 'good' in any bye?
Today, will be my final day posting on An Ordinary Utopia.

It has been an amazing few months. Only a few months, have a been here, but I feel I shouldn't be here.
Lots of changes, and beautiful appearances have been made in my life, leaving little time to share those experiences with those who care most here on this blog.

Though I leave, I do not believe AOU is just a blog. AOU is a remembrance, of those memories that which need to be documented for those who look for hope in the lovely, great, possible, and ordinary.
AOU is a collection of scrapbooks of people who search for more.
I have found what I was meant to find here on this blog, and since I have taken all that I need, I will say goodbye and leave more for others who need it.

So, this is farewell. I wish everyone who wishes to read this post, every little desire of peace, safety, love, and sparkle. Keep in touch my little butterflies. I hope one day, if not yet already, you'll be able to spread your wings and fly.

Stephanie.

hold on

hold on || by eve victorie from ordinaryutopia on 8tracks Radio.

Spring calls out to you. It sends a breeze into your room from the open window. You inhale the fresh, raw scent of newness, of change. You want nothing more than to run outside & enjoy yourself. Just sit on the grass for hours upon hours with a lovely book. Stare at the wonderful blue that is the sky above. But you can't. Schoolwork & assignments are waiting to be finished.

Here's a little something to help you hold on, just a little longer. Summer will be worth it, darling.

hugs, eve

i like living (though sometimes i won't admit it)

“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow; but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.” - Agatha Christie

life is a curious thing. it can be absolutely miserable, lovely, filthy, daring, gorgeous, and sad all at the same time.
this week has been hard for many people all over the nation. with the horrifying bombing in boston, and just life being life. it's hard.
sometimes, life just plain sucks. this time, as a nation, is one of those times, and my heart is heavy. but even through all of this, as cliche as this might sound, i know that God has this grand plan for all of our lives, all of us. and every little thing that goes on, good or bad, happens for a reason. we each have a set amount of days before the end, though we don't know what our number may be. and that reason is enough to keep me going, to keep on living and breathing and moving the world. because tomorrow could be my last, and i don't want to look back on my life and think of all of the things i could have done, but what i did do. and i want to see God smile and hear him say to me, "well done, my child. well done." that is my goal, my inspiration for living.
so basically, no matter what happens tomorrow, next week, or next month, just remember to rise up and attack each and every single day with enthusiasm, and forget about how horrible you think the days ahead might be. remember that just to be alive is a grand thing indeed, and all things have a purpose.
g.

if only you knew

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sometimes it's like you understand me. like you get my innermost thoughts and absolute feelings. but i'm starting to wonder if you really do. if you ever did. you've begun pushing me way just as i was starting to open up to you. you say i confuse you. i say i'm sorry. you say it's alright. but i don't think you realize that it's really not alright. the way we keep at this mind game just isn't good. we both know what's going on here. you're falling for me. the way i fell for you a long time ago. and here i am, waiting and waiting for you to say something. but you say nothing because you don't know. how much i care for you. how much i still like you.

the letter i never sent him

Dear Sir,

I am this person. I am this young and capable person full of dreams and goals accompanied by the combination of drive and talents necessary to fulfill these goals. Just the same as anyone else I am capable of success, I have no handicaps and I have the skill and the tenacity to be everything that I’ve always wanted to be.

I suppose what I am saying in a poor and round-a-bout way is that I have what it takes, just the same as any other young person, to accomplish amazing and admirable things and there is no reason whatsoever that I shouldn't become some great someone in charge of some great tast to fulfill some great and world changing venture, to be remembered by a great multitude of society without ever having to worry about being forgotten.

Why then, above all of these prospects, is the one most pressing desire of my heart so simply sit in your arms and watch the sunset over the horizon and lay with you as we attempt to make sense of the stars, long into the night until the very same sun rises westward?

Why, about all of these sensible and very prosperous endeavors is one thing that would bring me the greatest joy to make you smile? To learn the rhythm of your voice, to memorize it like my favorite song, obsess over it as if it were my greatest treasure and most prized possession?

Because I love you, and because even under the knowledge that this may only last for one day, or it may very well last for ten thousand days, a solitary moment or an endless amount of moments containing enough memories to fill a library of books – or it may last for some reasonable amount of time that is acceptable and easily predictable for a pair of teenagers.

Either way, no matter how long fate allows this to last and no matter what the outcome may be I will risk it without hesitation. My heart I’ve given to you on a silver platter and now it’s yours to cherish or to break and your whim. I’ve given no thought to the time I must invest in order to give us our very best shot.

You are the one person who right now, in this moment, I want more than anything I’ve ever longed for in my entire life. And if you remember me, my love, then I don’t care who forgets.

Love (I hope so at least), 

Bleah

in the stillness before dawn

Early, early in the day 
When all the world is still 
Before the Sun its rays begins to spill 
Silence rules, in all its glorious array 

The mist has not yet slipped away 
But leaning here, upon my window sill 
Waiting for the light of dawn to emerge from yonder hill 
I feel a lightness I cannot convey 

Perhaps it is the stillness all around 
That has made me notice what I often miss 
Small, but precious moments just like this 
Which into life bring color, light, and sound


hugs, eve

you are beautiful. inside and out.

I absolutely adore this picture.
I enjoy the fact that my braces are out of focus, because I need to get them taken off...like now.
And the fact that my still-growing hair cascades down my shoulders. Over-straightened split ends and all.
I like my dimple on my  bottom right cheek, my dainty pearl earrings, and my Love, Hope, Faith necklaces.
I even like the small, black string stuck on my shoulder.  ( #photobomb )
I'm no professional photographer, but I think this picture is pretty close to perfect.
And honestly, I'm not being modest at all. Really.

I think that the perfection of this shot comes from the confidence in myself, and the embracing of being me.
I absolute know that you have been told to "be yourself", "you're unique", and "you are perfect just the way you are". I know I have. But for some reason, I never fully believed it.
Seriously ladies, hear me out. You are gorgeous inside-and-out. Society tells us this everyday though, so why should you believe it? They don't mean it, their just trying to make us feel better about ourselves. Yes, yes they are. But God, He isn't, he means it whole-hearted. Some say that it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, but I beg to differ.
Since everyone is beautiful, shouldn't it matter? You were made in God's image, and He is perfect. Then, shouldn't it matter?
By no means am I saying that you should obsess over you image. I am simply stating that you are beautiful, and how God made you look on the outside, is just as beautiful as he wants you to become inside.

xx
Stephanie

take apart a picture, this is what i get

despite the amateurish flair it's founded in, for me, this photo has a
special kind of significance and profoundness; a kind that maybe only i will understand.

the deeper blue up top symbolizes depth, reverence, and intensity.
the lighter shade is reminder that there always is an in-between to every situation; a good yet a bad; a peace yet an anxiety. there always seems to be a two-way mirror of how we perceive life.
the white is like the nakedness of everything; of youth, of pain, of fantasy. the rawness and purity of anything intangible. even though it's surrounded by massive amounts of other agents, it still remains pure and essential.

the tree is like life. you know what it is, what you're to do with it. yet it's still blurred and its fundamental essence is marred by the depths of the unknown. you know what you're dealing with, yet you're still in question of the truth and the sharper perceptions of reality.
the shades of orange are like the hope we seek through the messiness of certainty. hope isn't one noun; it's like a series of nouns with different levels of severity and senses of need. somethings we hope for desperately; other things are more in the box of passive desire.
but the hope is there nonetheless.

the bokeh reminds me of people. they're kind of there but not there. they're not gone, they've not necessarily abandoned us...but they come and go. the ones that matter deeply to us, that is. they sneakily climb in, they intermittently jump out. and they just...are.

xo,
candace