(Don't worry, I'm not leaving too! Ha.)
I guess that's how I'll start it? Okay.
These past few weeks have left me more confused than I've ever been... my emotions have been played with, my self esteem keeps going up and up only to fall even lower, opportunities that I'm not 100% sure about keep popping up, I keep thinking I finally have it all together, only to get shaken up and drop everything once more.
I struggle so much with confidence. It's not that my own confidence is so important for me to have, but I think it's important to at least do what I'm doing without cowering every second. I'm always so scared of everything I'm doing (photography, writing, knitting, creating) that I feel like I shouldn't be doing it. But at the same time I KNOW THIS IS WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. And that's why it's confusing.
One day in particular last week left me not only worried and scared, but hurt and lonely. It started out great. But it didn't end great. People hear things they assume are true. They tell me things they don't necessarily mean, and I take them to heart, playing their words over and over in my head, deciphering them and applying them to my every move. I can't sleep, I doubt every ability I thought I had, I hate myself, I just feel so low. I feel like I can't actually do anything anymore - that I'm like a photographer with no hands, or a writer with no brain. YOU CAN'T DO IT my insides scream. IT WON'T WORK YOU LOSER I keep telling myself.
I'm not writing this to get sympathy or nice messages telling me it's going to be okay. Actually, I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I guess I just feel alone in the world. And as selfish as this sounds, I kind of hope other people out there feel low and have doubts like I do every now and then too...
My life isn't bad. I have a good life, a very good life. But even though good things are happening right now, bad things are happening too...
My bad for not posting in like 9 months. My brain is too muddled to think of an excuse right now.
Ugh I know this feeling all too well. It's better now. Things are brightening up. But today I hit a rough spot again. Mostly with myself, not necessarily my skills, things just look bad. I feel inadequate, tired, sick, worthless, lonely. In every circle I've been I've never been able to completly fit in. I meet new people and I get my hopes up. Maybe ill find common ground with someone. Maybe someone will get me. And often I do find common ground but there are usually big important to me things I can share because I just can't. And it's my fault. I'm too afriad. I'm too different. It's a lot on how I grew up. It's a lot to do with a lot of different things and even though I know it'll be okay someday. It's not okay to me now. I'm rambling, but you're not alone. Thank you for being honest. I don't feel quite as alone. xx
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this is strange but I feel that way too. Maybe not right now, but I have before. But I guess all I can say is we need to find the silver lining in everything, and be grateful for your family and loved ones. It will be all right in the end. (and don't feel selfish, because those kinds of feelings are normal) i hope you sort everything out and feel better :) x
ReplyDelete- Jianine
Oh, I know exactly how you feel...it happens lots to me! I'm just so happy you shared this with us, thanks Abby :)
ReplyDeletei have those feelings sometimes too abby. it think it's just something you have to ''go through'' and move on from. life does get better. and i'm really starting to realize that. xx
ReplyDeleteokay, so um. this may sound a bit brutal, but I promise I'm not hating on you or anything, I just feel God is telling me to say this. I know this feeling, I think everybody goes through it at one point. But I think the way to get out of it is to change your focus. (and this is where it sounds brutal.) stop focusing on yourself and start focusing on others and God. It's not easy (trust me on that one) but you have to start making an effort. When you start pouring yourself out for others and reaching into God more, the rest is going to flow out naturally. In the last two weeks, I've come to the realization that self-esteem is crap. (woah. say what?) The prefix of the word is self. And in Romans 6:6, Paul says "for we know that our old self was crucified with Him..." meaning "self" is dead and no longer has a hold on us. I realized if I'm truly living in Christ and focused on serving Him, I'm not going to care what I think about myself. If I'm not focused on myself than I'm not going to have problems with my "self-esteem". and if I know my Jesus, I'm going to know that He loves me (1 John 3:1); He counts me precious; He thinks about me (Psalm 139:17-18); He knows how many hairs I have on my head (Luke 12:7); His banner over me is love (Song of Sol. 2:4); and that I was fearfully and wonderfully made in His image (Psalms 139:13-14). and that's how I'm going to see myself.
ReplyDeleteI know that sounded brutal and judgmental, but I honestly don't mean it in any way like that. I actually read this last night, and I put off commenting because I didn't know what to say exactly. But as I was praying this morning, I felt God put this on my heart to tell you.
just remember every storm runs outta rain and joy comes in the morning. xx. marcia
YES! Thank you for telling me this!
DeleteThis is something I've thought long, long, long about, and prayed for weeks and weeks... it seems everyone (even Christian leaders) tell teen girls they they're beautiful, that they can accomplish things, that they should hold their head high. They they should be confident. But that kind of goes against the whole "selfless" thing.
Over the past year, God's really put on my heart John 3:30 - "He must become greater, I must become less." And as soon as God broke my hard, hard heart, everything everyone had always told me, everything I had always tried to think about myself, melted and vanished. It just didn't make sense - why is SELF confidence so important, if we need to deny our SELF? I try to practice "dying to yourself" every day (and clearly, with this post as evidence, fail often).
I've come to the conclusion that SELF confidence is worthless, because there is no worth in our SELF. I'm worthless by myself. WHY would I put my confidence in my SELF if my SELF is worthless?
Instead, I need to put my confidence in GOD - because HE is GREAT. And only by HIM can I achieve anything (even something as little as photography or writing or getting this potential job as an editor).
I don't have to feel low or scared about doing the things God's called me to do, because even though I MYSELF can't do them, God CAN and He gives me the strength and ability to.
I am worthless, I am a sinner, I fail, I mess up - and this is something I need to actively realize. I need to hate the sinful side of me - I just need to FORGET MYSELF (why is that so hard to do? I feel like I hate myself all the time, but my ego's so big I can't get myself out of my head for even a second).
Thank you SO much, Marcia, for writing this comment. This post was written at a time when I was still really hurt and upset about some friends who are hurting me (unintentionally, I believe, though it still hurts..), and I usually don't like to share things with the public when I'm angry, because the only result is regret in posting something I didn't 100% mean.
Also, THANK YOU for praying for me - I feel renewed and strengthened today, not in myself, but in God. My circumstances kind of just got worse, but God is with me, and I know in the end, in heaven, it'll all be okay.
Hey. Just found your blog and I totally understand you already. The frustration that just wells up for no good reason. The question; photography? Have we fallen out of love and are we just pretending? But at the same time the knowledge that you haven't and you're just too afraid to press on. It's difficult but.. I don't know. I just don't. But all the other happy things and trips out and texts more than make up for the confusion of everything else.
ReplyDeleteAnna x